Editorial: Campus plan should include full bar

Martha Especulta/The Et Cetera
Martha Especulta/The Et Cetera

Eastfield administration has big plans for the campus’ future, and at The Et Cetera we believe that we can provide some valuable insight into how to further improve the quality of our campus.

Instead of caving to the demands of having an expanded food court, Eastfield needs to double-down on its promotion of Subway.

Instead of being restricted to the Hive, there should be at least one Subway in every building, on every floor.

Craving a footlong after working out in P building, but don’t want to walk all the way to the Hive? Subway in P building.

Just finished researching and making last-minute adjustments to your final paper in the library? Subway in L building.

On the third floor of C building, but don’t want to go back down to the first floor Subway? Subway in C building, third floor.

Mobility is another pressing issue on campus.

Luckily, there’s an easy fix for this.

Perhaps making buildings more accessible to students isn’t really the answer. Eastfield simply needs to install moving walkways inside each building and a monorail system to travel between these buildings.

If cost is a concern, all that needs to be done is to include a monorail pass charge on tuition.

At that rate, these updates would pay for themselves.

We’ve noticed that administration has been trying to find clever ways to keep students engaged with increased activities on campus, but we have found several of our own options.

With how much the school pushes students to use Blackboard, students need an app to manage their life as a typical undergrad.

This revolutionary application would include an AI controlled butler programmed to suit any individual student’s “needs”, a system of notifications dedicated to announcements of free food (with the minimum requirement being one savory and one sweet item, for the ever-important palette-refreshing purpose), and alerts of when happy hour is open at the new campus bar.

Did we mention the need for a full-service bar? The speakeasy was a good start, but if administration really wants students to stay active on campus, booze is one of the best motivating agents.

Beside the fact that campus has become a Subway conglomerate, there need to be sunroofs everywhere. How else will we get our perfect shots for the peasantry to view on their Instagram feeds?

Students always complain how their classrooms are either too hot or too cold, so why not have the temperature always be on a random setting?

Eastfield must relinquish all control over each building’s thermostat. By doing so, each section of the campus would become a unique habitat, possibly unique enough to be featured in National Geographic.

While we have bathrooms that are cleaned on regular intervals, our toilets should be converted to bidets. While we’re at it, let’s go ahead and make them all smart bidets with touch screen interfaces and chirpy, stereotypically Japanese-voiced speakers.

Of course, we need a mile-long list of banned words. After all, inclusion is infinitely more important than our First Amendment rights.

To make the campus complete, the final touch that needs to be made is that a certain wall needs to be knocked down on the second floor of N building (you know which one, Dr. Conway).

If, for whatever reason, administration is unable to implement our primary ideas for modification, we have some lesser suggestions that would work as an alternative.

But in all seriousness, these are our actual suggestions for changes in the master plan.

An actual food court would be a good idea. More options for lunch means more students choose to eat and stay on campus.

The lounge areas around campus need to be reconsidered. An easy way to make any lounge better would be to include a TV. The Vibee lounge’s retro TV setup, with VCR and VHS, was a huge draw for students. We recommend bringing it back.

Additional features to keep students engaged on campus could include a foosball table, a pingpong table, or even some kind of video game console in various “sticky spots,” as they were dubbed in the master plan.

An actual computer lab would help many students struggling to finish their papers and projects on time. Together with chairs that have backs and more comfortable seat cushions, this would create a more inviting campus.

Free speech must be encouraged and promoted throughout every part of the campus, not just in the lower courtyard. We recommend putting signs at the entrances to the college stating that the whole campus is open to free speech. No one should be denied their basic rights to free speech in an institution of higher learning, and while we haven’t seen that happen on this campus, this would be a good way to ensure the First Amendment stays protected here.

More permanent art from students and professionals would be a welcome addition. Consider commissioning student artists to create more pieces specifically for a permanent collection.

The point of our suggestions is this: students want a school that reflects who they are and what they like.

Students want a campus that breathes personality, inclusion and encourages them to relax, socialize and participate in an open and welcoming environment.

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