Pitbull should really consider climate changing his profession

By JONATHAN AGUIRRE
@TheEtCetera

Pitbull, aka Mr. 305, aka Mr. Worldwide, aka Armando Christian Perez, is a pop-rapper from Miami and I’m not really sure who he makes music for. I’ve never met an honest-to-God Pitbull fan.

“Climate Change” was released on March 17, and no one cared. This is Mr. 305’s 10th studio album and his third album named after a popular topic. The other two being “Globalization” and “Global Warming.” Future Pitbull albums will probably include “Greenhouse Gases” and “Rising Sea Levels.”

Like the impending threat of actual climate change, Pitbull is trying to slowly kill us with his music. When aliens discover a desolate planet thousands of years from now, they’ll know it was Mr. Worldwide who killed us.

“Climate Change” sounds like it’s going for the rave and party vibe with bouncy beats meant to induce jumping.

The instrumentals aren’t horrid. In fact, they sound like most of what plays on Top 40 radio stations. However, something was off.

All I could think was, “Why does this sound so repulsive?” I could not figure out what exactly was so bad. Then it hit me.

It was Pitbull’s presence.

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If you were to give the beats to any other popular artist, the songs would improve. But because Pitbull’s voice is on it, the album is ruined. Something about his delivery, the same delivery he’s been using for years, makes Pitbull unbearable. Without Mr. Worldwide, the songs could have been played in a gym or as background music at a small outdoor party.

Pitbull has the reverse Midas touch. He turns everything to crap.

Many things contribute to Mr. 305’s horrible existence. His flow and delivery sound exactly the same on every single song. His lyrics are PG-13: mostly inoffensive and uninteresting.

Every time a song starts, Pitbull introduces himself in case we forgot who we were listening to. Not to mention his never-ending ad libs. No person should ever have to hear “Dale” the amount of times I have.

**Mr. Worldwide made a terrible album. Photo courtesy RCA Records.**

On top of that, the song structure sucks. They all follow the same formula of some irrelevant guest singing a soulless chorus, Pitbull rapping for a little bit, repeat a couple times.

Every song seems like an attempt to make the same track in a different way.

Every track sucks, some more than others. But the worst is “Bad Man.” With the annoying chorus, caused by an off-putting melody and stupid lyrics sung by Robin Thicke, the most relevant feature on the album. “Bad Man” hurts to listen to.

Pitbull also really puts forward some thought-provoking lyrics like,

“F*ck the Facebook, f*ck the Twitter, f*ck the Snapchat, f*ck the Instagram. Baby, I got a master plan. Gingerbread man, catch me if you can.”

Mr. 305 is a true modern-day philosopher.

The best song by far is “Options.” The instrumentals offer variety and a more laid-back feeling than in the rest of “Climate Change.”

The chorus sounds like a fun, reggae-influenced Jon Bellion snippet.

Pitbull, or his producers, realized this and made the song mostly chorus.

In a four-minute song, Pitbull raps for a total of one minute and nine seconds. Meaning nearly three minutes of this song are chorus. But that’s not so much a bad thing. The less Pitbull, the better, making this the best song.

The only praise I can give this album is that it’s only 44 minutes long. If the best thing about this album is the lack of Pitbull, then this album would be better off just not existing.

Overall, “Climate Change” is just insulting, not only to the actual artists making creative and interesting music but also to the consumer. Your time is not worth the mediocre master that is Mr. Worldwide.